this is undeniable!

I was recently kicked off weight watchers, and not for being 110 lbs...which is technically below my BMI. I'm finally maintaining the weight I've been my whole life before leasing my abdomen out for habitually-late-paying fetus' for 18 months. Never again I tell ya! Apparently WW had 3 attempts at charging my credit card my monthly fee and was declined. Um, whoops. So, I'm on my own out here. It's scary to be responsible for my body now. But, it's been exactly 1 year and 6 days since I went into this whole thing, I'd say success has been in my pocket so far.

Plan B
The new diet

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste
them on exercise.

Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make

you live longer;

that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it

faster.

Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and

corn.

And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an

efficient

mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat
chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance

of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,

that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even

more

of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms

up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise

program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in

vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more

vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around
the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.

You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger

stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!

It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about
food and diets.



And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention

of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,

but rather to skid in sideways -

Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -

body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and

screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'



AND.....



For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition
and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional

studies.



1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



CONCLUSION



Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.